Attack of the Killer Shoulds

There are few words in the English language I dislike more than the word should. Should is a get you in trouble kind of word. Should is loaded. It has expectation, judgment, opinion. I bristle at the idea of being told what to do. I like to live my life on my own terms. I fully expect to enjoy the bounty of my good decisions and know I own the consequences of the bad ones. I believe in karma, good and bad. I didn’t always feel this way. Yesterday was a reminder to me of how far I have yet to go. For despite what I just said, knowing all that I do, from time to time I get a case of the shoulds. I climb on my high horse and venture off into the righteous land of should. And to be frank, this is a fairytale that never ends well.

I have always been a person of strong opinions. I’m not shy and freely express myself, my feelings about things that come to pass, things that irritate me and inspire me, social and political comments. All good, I think. Its part of why I started blogging. My opinions about things I see, books I’ve read, and my own life at times quirky and other times mundane are all the subject of commentary with friends and family and frequently fodder here in blogdom. The thing is, feeling things strongly and communicating openly is one thing, not knowing when to shut up is quite another. Such can sometimes be the case with me, when I get a bee under my bonnet. I don’t like these types of clichéd expressions normally. But, in this instance, it seems so appropriate. For while I cannot recall ever wearing a bonnet, were I to do so, my latest case of shoulds felt quite like having something irritating and troublesome buzzing in and around my head. Unable to free myself of this irksome issue, I kept batting at it madly with phrases like should just grow up, should do this, should get real, should quit it, should give their head a shake… should should should. Swatting away verbally with no resolution, it never occurred to me until much later, that rather than fussing as I did, had I just quieted down and relaxed, I might have found a better solution or perhaps even come to a peaceful compromise.

The thing about shoulds is that they are so one sided. One can never really understand how another person feels and what motivates their actions. Irritated and feeling self righteous last night I came home in quite a funk. Walking Murphy in the snow (yes… its back for a last gasp), I tried to calm myself. I felt bad about some of the things I had said and tried to figure myself out. I remembered a book someone gave me and sought it out when I returned home. I’ve given this book as a gift to a number of people over the years. Tucked into the pages of Ruiz’ The Four Agreements, are four simple ideas that would have saved me from myself earlier in the day. Four basic agreements to make with oneself. In a single conversation I blasted past all four of them, but nonetheless I’m glad to be reminded of them again. Here they are:
No. 1 – Be Impeccable With Your Word – In other words, don’t gossip or spread poison with what you say. Words have power. And with apologies for the Star Wars analogy, use your power for good.
No. 2 – Never Make Assumptions – The thing is you never really know what the other person is thinking. To assume you do is arrogant and most of the time, we get it wrong anyway.
No. 3 – Don’t Take Things Personally – Again it is arrogant to think that everything is about you. More importantly, when people do or say things hurtful to you, it is really more about them than you. Realize this and stop trying to control the outcome.
No. 4 – Always Do Your Best – Even when your best is not very good at present, try. Don’t give up. Make an effort. Show up and contribute.

I think I’ve overcome my case of the shoulds for the present. I realize now that the only shoulds that would have made any sense at all is to realize early on that I should just butt out. I should know by now that each of us has our own way and finds it in our own time. And that is perfectly OK.

One more wholly unrelated point - I finished Flann O'Brien's At Swim-Two-Birds and remain unconvinced that it is anything more than a dated, dry, mildly amusing take on a young man with a vivid imagination. I didn't like it. Have moved on to lighter fare. I picked up Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. (Think Elizabeth Bennett as a Buffy the Vampire Slayerish, sword weilding zombie killer, distracted by expectations to marry well while trying to figure out the brooding and haughty Darcy - utterly hilarious and best of all, comes complete with illustrations!!!) More on this later.